![]() ![]() I want to become more sexually expressive.Ĭlear emphasizes that the focus should always be on becoming that type of person, not pressuring yourself to obtain a particular outcome. I want to become more reliable and consistent. I want to become more vulnerable and intimate. I want to become more comfortable with negative emotions. I want to become an effective communicator. Think about the type of partner that you want to become: I thought this is perfect for relationships too-but in the context of becoming the best version of you. For instance, instead of, “I want to run a marathon,” frame it as, “I want to become a runner.” Instead of, “I want to publish a book,” think, “I want to become a writer.” So, what does this look like? Well, the focus is less on the goal and instead on who you want to become. And once beliefs are changed and mindsets are shifted, behaviors align, which leads to long-lasting change. I talk about these internal beliefs with my clients all of the time! In our sessions, we dig for the beliefs that no longer serve them-or simply just don’t work. When I read this part, I felt a jolt of excitement. They include your assumptions and how you think things “should be.” These beliefs can include beliefs about yourself, your partner, and your life situation. In order for habits to last, Clear says that they must be addressed on the “Identity level,” which targets changing your beliefs. Your routine is propelled by your identity. ![]() So, if you’re struggling in your relationship, establishing a routine can help. John Gottman calls these “ sliding door moments.” Every day you have many opportunities to bring your partner closer, or push your partner away. In fact, relationship researcher and expert Dr. And these small, day-to-day moments with your partner matter more than you can even imagine. Habits are behaviors you engage in on a regular basis-and eventually they become routine. I tell them all the time: creating relationship habits can take away the time wasted on thinking about what to do and when to do it, which would give more time to enjoying the relationship. Not only did this make me think about myself, but as a relationship therapist, this made me think about my clients. If you’re always being forced to make decisions about simple tasks-when should I work out, where do I go to write, when do I pay the bills-then you have less time for freedom…Building habits in the present allows you to do more of what you want in the future. What immediately struck me were the following words: I haven’t been a fan of the word ‘routine’ because I viewed it as restricting, but I wanted to better handle the increased workload due to the pandemic and try something new. Lately I’ve been finding myself struggling with time management. I only recently read his #1 New York Times bestseller Atomic Habits on the recommendation of a client. ![]()
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